Little Wagstaffe Williams – as Oldham lads go - is not that bad really. A bit dirty, sleeps with his ferret, calls his father Fatguts Stinkbreath, all the usual things. But his parents, who wanted nothing out of life except fame and fortune, just can't appreciate his finer points. He wakes one Tuesday morning to find them gone. "You are so horrible," says their note, "that we have run away to find a better life. You will never, ever, see us again."
To Wagstaffe, once he's checked that there is breakfast to be gobbled, this seems fair and reasonable. At the very least, a day off school, the chance for much creative mayhem. Having laid the city centre waste, he wanders to the M62 to see if he can upset a lorry driver, and does, with spectacular success. The lorry (Mercedes 16-32 for the nerds amongst us) ends up with egg spattered on its windscreen. Waggie ends up squashed.
Luckily, there is a Dr Dhondy at the local hospital. She wanted to be an engineer, but failed the practical and became a surgeon instead. She strips Wagstaffe down like an old Fiesta, and puts a clockwork mainspring in. He becomes a sort of Stone Age superboy. He can pee out of his index finger. He is invincible. Except – he can't get wet. He would go rusty.
Wagstaffe's Mum and Dad, of course, have run away to join a circus. Dim as ever, they have been captured by the evil Theocritus Troutfish, and been forced to do madder and madder stunts. Next week, for instance, Dad is to balance a railway locomotive on his chest while whistling God Save the Queen. Mum is due to drive a six-inch nail up her left nostril with a gold-plated hammer. They are called the Famous Gribbleworms and they are… well, famous. Wagstaffe is horrified. Good God, he'll have to put himself out. And save them.
Advised by the local milkman, Mr 'Uddersfield, Waggie stows away to America (easy-peasy) and pals up with a Texan millionaire's daughter called Mandy Badsox. She just loves the way Wagstaffe can go to the bathroom through his finger – and tells her father he will help, or face a tantrum. Pa Badsox quails.
The Gribbleworms' latest stunt – and certainly their last, because the cheeky devils are pushing for back pay - is to go across the Niagara Falls – on a pedalo. From all across the States the rubberneckers are pouring in. The TV rights have raised a mega-fortune. And Wagstaffe, recognised and hunted by the Troutfish heavies, has a ten thousand dollar price upon his head.
What's more, if he tries to save them and gets wet – he's a dead'un. Can Wagstaffe live to fight another day? And get bollocked for not having cleaned the lav before he left his home…
Sample chapters
